“I feel like people don’t look at me with desire anymore.” How one man’s quarantine weight gain got him vaccinated.

say hello to Mikey Stromboli

Dodger Stadium

With the recent news that all Californians can officially get Covid vaccinated next month, vaccine season’s free-for-all seems to be ending. Today we go to the Eastside of Los Angeles, where project manager Mikey Stromboli (not a hipster, he’s just Italian. Also, not his real name), takes us through his wild and inspirational ride getting vaccinated. Mikey, 36, gained some weight living in the Arts District over the course of quarantine, wondering if he’d ever dazzle another bored LA pre-madonna again. But on March 16, our protagonist took decisive action, going on an adventure to Dodger Stadium, the biggest COVID-19 vaccination site in America. Here is our post-vaccine debrief:

Debaser: Aright Mikey, walk me through how you got vaxxed. What was the process like?

Mikey: I got an alert via email. And then I signed up on a website. It said you can register for vaccines if you were involved in certain professions, or if you had an underlying health condition. I looked up what was a valid underlying health condition. Obesity was one of the included conditions. And then I thought, “Well, I might be obese.” I definitely have gained some weight during quarantine. About 30 pounds, from 185 to 215. I had to buy new pants, which was sort of a degrading experience. I don't know if you've ever had to get to size up on your bottoms. It doesn't make you feel great about yourself. 

Debaser: So turns out you’re a protected class, nice man. And other than that, you have no other health issues, you’re not a frontline worker. What spurred the weight gain, aside from the whole quarantine thing?

Mikey: Heavy drinking was a part of it. I was also doing two hours of jujitsu a day prior to quarantine. I feel like people don’t look at me with desire anymore. 

Debaser: I hear you. I mean, this is Los Angeles after all. There’s a lot of shallow surface tension here. How did you determine you were obese? Did you follow Centers For Disease Control and Prevention guidelines? (BTW a Body Mass Index of 30 or higher is considered obese).

Mikey: So I busted the scale out, and then put my data into the CDC website. They have a BMI calculator. And my BMI was 31.4. It just put me over the edge. I’m safely in the obese zone.

Debaser: Congratulations. So to be clear: you didn’t go to a doctor and get a professional medical diagnosis, you went to a scale in your bathroom?

Mikey: Correct.

Debaser: So once you confirmed that you were in fact an obese U.S. male, how soon until you got a vaxx appointment?

Mikey: It took like two seconds. It was super easy. It honestly took more time to sign up to get Covid tested. And then I tried to find out what would be required for documentation, but I didn't see anything on the website. And also, like every slot was open. I think I signed up on a Sunday. I got to Dodger Stadium Tuesday morning.

Debaser: Mmmm, what were you wearing? 

Mikey: This doesn't really help my hipster case...I think I was wearing Dickies, and a button up, or like maybe a loose flannel. 

Debaser: Got it. ***circles notepad***

Mikey: So I drove to Dodger Stadium in a dilapidated Prius. The longest part of the whole thing was slaloming through all these cones. 

Debaser: Was it even a long line?

Mikey: No, there were like three cars in front of me. 

Debaser: How long did you wait?

Mikey: Maybe 45 minutes. It was really efficient. And, you know, I don't know if it was because there were not enough people to fill the appointments, or if they just haven't really dialed it in there, but I was able to leave and get back home in time for my 9:30 call. The volunteers seemed like they knew what they were doing. 

Debaser: And who are these volunteers? Are they real?

Mikey: I think it was a mix of medical professionals and maybe people that were non-technical. So this guy came to my window and after asking for my ID, he asked for documentation of my underlying condition and if I was in a certain profession. And I said, “No, I have an underlying condition.” And he said, “Do you have documentation of that?” And I said, “No, I don't. I didn't realize that I needed to bring anything special. It wasn't clear from the site. But my underlying condition is obesity. So if you have a scale, and a tape measure, I mean, we could work it out.”

Debaser: Right, absolutely. 

Mikey: And he said, “We don't have either of those things.” And then we're kind of, like, arguing semantics.

Debaser: During all this, was he, like, checking you out, sizing up your Body Mass Index?

Mikey: Oh, yeah. But I want to be clear: I was not committing fraud. I am technically obese. This wasn’t intentional but I did have a lot of food debris in my passenger seat. Like an old french fries box.

Debaser: Wow, that’s some solid circumstantial evidence. Did you have to put on a clinic for him and explain how BMI is calculated?

Mikey: Yeah, yeah. I said, “The iPhone has an app that can measure height if you want to validate my height. You can also lift me, or whatever.” And then he said he needed some kind of documentation. I showed him the CDC website BMI chart, with my information put into it. And he said, “I need it to be a document.” So I took a screenshot and I said, “Now it's a document.” He said, “Do you have a doctor's note?” And I said, “Well, we already kind of covered this, but no, I don't.” Then he goes, “Well, can you write one?” And I said, “Yeah.” 

Debaser: Quick follow-up, and in the name of comprehensive journalism, I gotta ask: Are you a doctor? 

Mikey: No, no. And he said, “List your underlying condition and then just sign it.” And I said, “Okay, do you have any paper?” And he said, “No, this is Dodger Stadium. It's not the paper mill.” So they did not have paper. Fortunately, as I mentioned earlier, I keep a messy car. So I found an old receipt. And I wrote “To whom it may concern. I, Mikey Stromboli, verify under penalty of perjury that I'm currently experiencing the underlying health condition known as obesity, and have a body mass index of 31.4.”

Debaser: Did you scroll this in like crayon or something? In Comics Sans? 

Mikey: I had a Pilot G207. So it really just flowed right out, you know, and sincerely. And then I gave it to him. He goes, “This isn't gonna work...You need to put your address in the bottom of it!” So I wrote my address, and he looked at it, and then he looked at me. He was like, sufficiently exhausted with the process. It wasn’t very crowded. I imagine that they had more vaccines than they were able to distribute. So he was probably like, “fuck this guy and fuck this.” And they just waved the nurse over. She was really sweet and cheerful. And they just popped it in. And it was pretty quick and painless. And then she gave me a lollipop. I felt like a child. I got a Carbon Health-branded lollipop. 

Debaser: Wait, did he even collect the note?

Mikey: Um no.

Debaser: K. Well congratulations on getting the first shot. What's the first thing you're going to do after you get fully vaxxed? 

Mikey: The main thing I want to do is start going to the gym and training again, in jujitsu, and get out of obesity. 

Debaser: Are you worried at all about reintegration?

Mikey: Yea, a little. I was becoming an urban hermit and I want to start dating again. But yeah, integration. You can tell we're gonna reopen again because of all these mass shootings. In other countries flowers come out. And in America it’s like, “the shooters are here!” Like, life is coming back, you know? 

Debaser: What was the makeup of other people getting the vaccine?

Mikey: A mixed age range. Everyone was white (including Stromboli). 

Debaser: And why do you think you were successful? 

Mikey: You can't be too abrasive. But if you're like, persistent and polite, you’ll have better standing with people.

Debaser: Talk to me why you think people who can get the vaccine should go for it before it’s technically their turn, regardless if they have an underlying health condition or what have you. You seem to have gained some institutional knowledge from your experience working in enviro/technological nonprofits. 

Mikey: Like, if people are able to get a vaccine, whether they're obese or not, they should get it. Any vaccine is better than no vaccine. And in all of the clinical trials, every vaccine was 100% effective at preventing death. Nobody who got the vaccine died (Editor’s note: The CDC has not cited any vaccine-related deaths. The family of a 68-year-old woman who died “unexpectedly” in Kansas this week claim she died because of the vaccine. Her cause of death has not yet been determined.)  A percentage of people who get the vaccine will, still, obviously, contract the virus. And people who previously had Covid, or are experiencing long-haul symptoms, reported a reduction in the severity of their symptoms after the vaccine. So all very compelling reasons to go and sign up and get it.

Debaser: For the record, you look good. You don’t look obese. I hope you find love with your post-lockdown bod.

Mikey: Thanks bro.

Got any vaccine stories? Wanna hook up with the real Mikey Stromboli? I’ll make it happen. Also, forward this story along, and subscribe. It’s free! But I will also definitely take your money if you feel like it.